


Why did it have to be me

by saradathesalad



Series: salad's prompted works [4]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: "It's good to bully your dad about who he dates sometimes" - Dick Grayson, Bad Advice, Bad Relationship Advice, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Bruce is trying, Father-Son Relationship, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:33:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28550931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saradathesalad/pseuds/saradathesalad
Summary: Dick has some questions about romance, Bruce just wants his son to stop bullying him about his choice in partners.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson/Wally West, Hal Jordan/Bruce Wayne, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: salad's prompted works [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2101170
Comments: 12
Kudos: 190





	Why did it have to be me

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the batfam secret santa on tumblr! Hope you enjoy :)
> 
> Title from ABBA's song 'Why Did It Have To Be Me?'

The soft knock on Bruce’s office door alerted him to two things. First, that the person knocking was Dick. Second, that Dick had something important to talk to him about. Dick never knocked unless he needed Bruce’s help with something important, or he’d done something stupid like that time he’d somehow ‘accidentally’ convinced the entirety of Gotham (and the rest of the world) that Bruce Wayne and Batman were dating. 

Bruce wasn’t looking forward to this conversation. 

“Come in,” Bruce said, mentally preparing himself to either help with some insane problem, or to begin damage control immediately. Dick shuffled into the room, eyes on the floor. This inspired no confidence in Bruce whatsoever. 

“So. Bruce,” Dick said, as he looked up and made rather intense eye contact with him and oh no, is Dick going to tell him that he’d accidentally revealed Batman’s identity to the press, “I have something to tell you.” 

Oh god, Dick _ had _ revealed Batman’s identity to the press. He was going to have to deal with every single person knowing Bruce Wayne is the Batman. Bruce had prepared for this, but he didn’t think he’d ever really have to face this reality. He was going to have to fake his death. He really didn’t want to fake his death. But, if he had to-

“I have a crush on Wally,” Dick said.

-he would, wait. What? Did Dick just say he had a crush on Wally?

“Wally West? Kid Flash? You have a crush on him? You didn’t reveal my identity as Batman to the press by accident?” Bruce asked, deeply relieved and very shocked.

“Uh. Yes, yes, yes and no? Has someone revealed your identity to the press?” Dick asked, slightly concerned.

“No,” Bruce said.

“Okay… Well, I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to ask him out. You know. On a date,” Dick said, his nervousness shining through in his voice.

Bruce sort of wanted to cry. His kid was asking him for romantic advice. He was so proud, Dick was growing up. Oh god, Dick was growing up. It seemed like only yesterday Dick had found out Bruce’s identity as Batman and had managed to bully Bruce into letting him become Robin. Now he was out there asking people on dates. The next thing Bruce knew, he’d be dating his arch-nemesis and going on a journey to become a ninja. 

Wait. “You’re asking me for romantic advice?” Bruce asked. Bruce’s romantic prospects since Dick had been in his custody had been Talia Al Ghul (Dick had laughed at him, then asked if she could teach him some ‘assassin ninja tricks’), Selina Kyle (Dick had laughed at him, then asked if Selina could steal him the Rosetta Stone for ‘superhero detective purposes’), and Hal Jordan (Dick had laughed at him, then reluctantly admitted that, despite his flaws, Hal was  _ alright _ ). Why Dick was asking him for advice after his general disapproval of Bruce’s taste, Bruce couldn’t fathom. 

Dick sighed. “Despite your lack of good taste, you generally manage to end up with the people you set your sights on. So I’m asking you to help me figure out how to ask Wally out successfully. I’m not asking you who you think would be a good boyfriend for me.”

Bruce supposed that made sense. Sort of. Unfortunately for Dick, Talia and Selina had been the instigators in his relationships with them. And with Hal, well. Neither of them can quite remember exactly how they got together, what they do know is that Clark couldn’t look them in the eye for a good month afterwards. Weird things happen on space missions, okay?

This, of course, meant he had no idea what advice to offer to the fifteen-year-old boy staring at him as if all his dreams for the future would come true if he did exactly what Bruce told him. It was honestly terrifying. Bruce was going to ruin Dick’s life. Or at least destroy all the trust that Dick placed in him. This was too much pressure.

Maybe he should give advice based on how he asked out people as Brucie Wayne? But then again, those ploys only work because he’s a known rich and famous playboy and nobody would say no to a few days as a billionaires sugar baby. Except Lois Lane, who would instead just steal his credit cards whenever he’d try. Clark had truly found a woman that complimented him perfectly. 

“Well,” Bruce began, looking around the office for inspiration, or perhaps divine intervention, “Get him a gift, something he likes.” He’d given Selina an expensive painting once and that night she made out with him on a roof. Romantic bribery through materialism works.

Dick nodded, jotting down his words on his phone. Dick was taking this as seriously as he took breaking into villains' lairs, which helped Bruce relax not at all. Dick was counting on him.

“Maybe bring him to a romantic spot, or a place that has a lot of meaning to the two of you,” Bruce continued, thinking of how Thalia had propositioned him in the middle of a fight against some guy on a yacht. That had been so romantic. 

“And then make sure you ask him out to a place that he likes,” Bruce closed off with. Like when he’d taken Hal to see the inside of NASA and Hal had nearly broken a multi-million dollar spacecraft. Or when Hal had taken him to an escape room and they’d uncovered a drug trafficking ring operating out of the escape room’s back room. Hal and Bruce didn’t go out much these days. 

Bruce had become so enraptured in his own thoughts of his and Hal’s dates, he’d forgotten that he was meant to be giving Dick advice until Dick threw a stress ball at his face. Bruce focused back in on Dick, ready to face scorn for the very basic advice he’d given, only for Dick to look at him gratefully.

“Thanks Bruce, I think this’ll really help me,” Dick said. 

It would? Okay. Bruce would take it. 

“Anytime, Dick. I wish you the best of luck,” Bruce said, doing his best to keep his utter bewilderment out of his voice. His advice could have been read off of a wikihow article. 

Nonetheless, Dick left the office in higher spirits than when he came in. Bruce hoped he’d never have to do that again. He also hoped that the advice he’d given would work. 

Three days later Dick burst into his office, informing Bruce (who was busy sexting Hal) that he had a date with Wally that evening and could Bruce please, please let him borrow the Batmobile to pick Wally up. Bruce had kindly told him, absolutely not, and to get out of his office. Internally, he was celebrating that his half-assed romantic advice had worked. 

Dick left the room pouting, leaving Bruce to disrupt his and Hal’s sexting with updates on how his child was growing up too fast, and asking if he should adopt another one (or seven). Hal, used to this, told Bruce that he should only adopt another kid if the kid could steal the tyres off the Batmobile.

Later, when Bruce would enter the Batcave, ready to start patrol only to find the Batmobile missing, with an ‘IOU’ note in Dick’s handwriting left in its place. 

Dick was so getting grounded later. 

**Author's Note:**

> Dick: despite your absolute shit taste, you did end up dating Hal Jordan who is okay, I guess. Please help me Get My Man  
> Bruce, crying: you're growing upppppp
> 
> My tumblr: [saradathesalad](https://saradathesalad.tumblr.com)


End file.
